So, I've started....

on the Sketchbook Project.
Well, by started I mean...I've covered the sketchbook!!!
There is just something so scary about a fresh, clean book...it sitting there taunting you with it's empty pages.

So today, I'm going to take some photos and sit outside for a while to soak up the atmosphere and then maybe, just maybe I might just sully the book with my scribblings!!

Maybe.......... xx

Back in the saddle....

Well, I jumped....over the cliff without the aid of a safety net or a parachute!!
And it was the best decision I've made in ages.
Art shouldn't be stressy and complicated..it should be done from the heart with love.

That being said...I haven't picked up a paintbrush since. I think I needed some time to digest what had happened and to evaluate.

I've started to ease myself back into it. I've signed up to do the Sketchbook Project...


http://www.arthousecoop.com/projects/sketchbookproject

I'm really excited to be doing something without having to justify why or having to write a bloody essay about it. I'm doing it because I want to...so there!!!! lol
I'll keep you posted on how it goes..
xx

So..it's been a while.....

and things have changed in the studio.....
I am no longer a student......
Well, should I say, I wrote my "Dear John" email and then my tutor gave me options....Damn him!!!
So, I am still sitting on the edge of the cliff waiting to jump or be pushed.

Have I just totally fallen out of love with art or is it the bullshit of "fine art"??

I'll keep you posted...as I don't have anything else to do on a Monday anymore!!

:o)

So Far...

Have you ever tried to organise an exhibition?? What about one where nobody really wants to do it? What about one where all the participants actually don't get on?

This is my life this week...trying to get work ready for an exhibition that I don't really want to be in.

This exhibition comes with lots of stipulations and rules....can't be anything you produced before you started the course, must be fairly recent and ultimately the tutor gets final say!!!  So that puts an end to my Chapman Brothers inspired mannequins...not that I was going to do it, but suddenly being aware that vaginas and cocks are of the agenda makes me want to do something along those lines.

The problem I am facing is that I am not remotely proud of anything I have produced while at college. I don't like any of it...it's all shit (now there's a thought...shit in a can...oh no already been done..bother) I have totally lost all confidence (and hope) in my abilities. I feel beaten and broken. I have spent the last 2 years jumping through hoops and "ticking the boxes" and I feel that I have lost my creativity.

And then we will have the drama of the "hanging". Have you ever tried to get 6 grown women who actually don't like each other very much to agree to anything? It took us 3 weeks to come up with a title (that nobody likes) and a poster (that nobody likes also), so god knows how long it will take to decide what stuff goes where??

So if you're coming to the private view....I'll be out the back with the booze hoping to blend into the background. And don't ask me "what are you trying to say?"

But what are you trying to say?

So, I've been a thinking.....

Why can't I just paint a pretty picture?

Why isn't it good enough to produce an image that is aesthetically pleasing? Why does it have to "say something"?

I'm tired of trying to make up pretentious bullshit (here after known as PB) to go with my work. I often don't know why I do things artistically, it's often a gut reacton. I don't see why it should have to "mean something". The fact that I like the way the colours go together or that I like the effect of the paint isn't good enough.

"But what are you trying to say?"

Sometimes I have nothing to say, I just want to put paint to canvas and enjoy that experience. The smell of the oil paint, the way the paint smooths across the surface, the way the colours blend together. I love the sensory experience of painting, I don't want to say anything.

I just want to enjoy the experience of painting and right about now....I don't.

Dear College..

I think we need to talk, but as I can’t bear to look at you right now I think a letter will have to do.
Our on/off relationship started many years ago when we were both young and possible naive. Back then I used to see you every day, you were my life. You even let me leave my stuff at your place and stay late into the night. We had lots of friends, many are still friends today, we used to laugh, joke, play; along with the more serious stuff. You encouraged me to take risks; you encouraged me to move on to bigger things. I have never felt more supported and important than I did back in those early days. I’m not saying it was easy and things weren’t always the best between us, but you were always there letting me do things my way, trusting that it would be OK in the end.
And then we broke up, we knew it would happen -it was time for us both to move on.
Then a few years later, we drifted back together. Not as intense this time, I only saw you once or twice a week. We soon fell back into the old routine, you teaching, and me learning. It was like the old times. We made friends, we laughed, we joked, and we learnt new things about each other. I learnt some fantastic skills and new techniques that will stay with me forever, you inspired me.
And then we broke up again, I felt that you didn’t have anything left to give me. You were still committed to me, but I wanted something new. I started seeing other colleges and other classrooms. They helped me see where I needed to go; I just didn’t know how to get there.
And then a chance meeting with you, “I can help you, I can show you the way” you said. And so feeling safe and familiar, I followed you.
In the beginning, it was like the old days, fun, laughter, and learning. I wanted it to be like it was before, with the support and the family feel, everyone looking out for each other and helping each other to reach our goals. It soon became apparent that things were not going to be how I hoped. I didn’t see you as much and you didn’t want me leaving my stuff at your place. I didn’t feel a part of what was happening; very much playing second fiddle to someone else....there was someone or something else in our relationship. I began to feel uneasy, unsure of my decision to come back to you. I had changed and so had you. You have taught me a lot in these last two and a bit years, things that I can take forward and build on. You have changed my views on many things. I will always be grateful for that, but I am not sure how much more you can give and how much more I want to take. I think I don’t respect you anymore, you have disappointed me.
And so we are here, with me not wanting to see you anymore. Can we get back to what we once had or is it just too late?
Love xx

New Beginnings....

So today I have started some new beginnings......updated my website, started this blog (finally!!) and started to seriously think about where I am going with all this "art stuff".

I beginning to think that life is too short to just be ticking boxes and making sure that something fits the criteria...who makes the criteria anyway?? Shouldn't it be me???
When something has so bitterly disappointed you and let you down, shouldn't you just let it go and move on??
Do you need a "bit of paper" to prove you are an artist??

Lots of questions, now I need to ponder on the answers..

xxx