So Far...

Have you ever tried to organise an exhibition?? What about one where nobody really wants to do it? What about one where all the participants actually don't get on?

This is my life this week...trying to get work ready for an exhibition that I don't really want to be in.

This exhibition comes with lots of stipulations and rules....can't be anything you produced before you started the course, must be fairly recent and ultimately the tutor gets final say!!!  So that puts an end to my Chapman Brothers inspired mannequins...not that I was going to do it, but suddenly being aware that vaginas and cocks are of the agenda makes me want to do something along those lines.

The problem I am facing is that I am not remotely proud of anything I have produced while at college. I don't like any of it...it's all shit (now there's a thought...shit in a can...oh no already been done..bother) I have totally lost all confidence (and hope) in my abilities. I feel beaten and broken. I have spent the last 2 years jumping through hoops and "ticking the boxes" and I feel that I have lost my creativity.

And then we will have the drama of the "hanging". Have you ever tried to get 6 grown women who actually don't like each other very much to agree to anything? It took us 3 weeks to come up with a title (that nobody likes) and a poster (that nobody likes also), so god knows how long it will take to decide what stuff goes where??

So if you're coming to the private view....I'll be out the back with the booze hoping to blend into the background. And don't ask me "what are you trying to say?"

But what are you trying to say?

So, I've been a thinking.....

Why can't I just paint a pretty picture?

Why isn't it good enough to produce an image that is aesthetically pleasing? Why does it have to "say something"?

I'm tired of trying to make up pretentious bullshit (here after known as PB) to go with my work. I often don't know why I do things artistically, it's often a gut reacton. I don't see why it should have to "mean something". The fact that I like the way the colours go together or that I like the effect of the paint isn't good enough.

"But what are you trying to say?"

Sometimes I have nothing to say, I just want to put paint to canvas and enjoy that experience. The smell of the oil paint, the way the paint smooths across the surface, the way the colours blend together. I love the sensory experience of painting, I don't want to say anything.

I just want to enjoy the experience of painting and right about now....I don't.